Psyche Odysseys

Bittersweet Liberia

I remember when my mother used to take me to the library to get books, when I was about 7 or 8. I would dash straight for the comic book section and spend ages agonizing over which 5 books I could take out that day. This was usually early Saturday morning. It was always sunny, as it is most of the year in Liberia.

Afterwards we would always go to the swimming pool club where would spend the day. I would meet up with my friends there; from the moment we arrived until we all went home, we didn’t stop playing, making up worlds and places, pretending to be all the wild and crazy things that live in the imagination of kids.

When we went home at night, the streets would be livening up for Saturday night as I would be slipping into my own bubble of tiredness and my mind still buzzing with the games I played with my friends.

From the balcony of our apartment, I could watch the sunset, so I always did. Each one was different but always beautiful. It was a daily live postcard, the gigantic tangerine sun disappearing behind the sea, on the beach by the Coconut Plantation. The name sounds pastiche, but that’s what the street was called, as it was on a beach, by a plantation of a few dozen coconut trees that someone left behind a hundred years ago.

The trees are gone now; someone tore them down to build houses. The sun still sets there but this magical place has been torn by war and heinous atrocities. I’m torn between sadness for the people who have suffered and still are, and the sadness for losing my small part of paradise. Beyond the veil of bittersweet reminiscence, I feel grateful for having grown up in a such wonderful place, where the bizarre and the ridiculous often passed off as ordinary as none knew any better. ‘The Love of Liberty Brought Us Here’ say the Coat of Arms of Liberia. Hollow words that I hope and pray one day will gain real meaning again.

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Nostalgic memory

For those of us who are sentimental, it’s not always easy to draw the line between simple memory recall and nostalgia as nostalgia often wins.

Listening to an old song becomes a voyage to a past that never existed, constructed out of unfulfilled desires and aggrandized events that were not necessarily appreciated when they first unfolded.

The past can become a mythical landscape onto which all sorts of minor delusions are projected; it becomes a place where ‘things were so much better’, forgetting all the while that it was never truly so.

This is almost a disease, one that prevents the nostalgically afflicted from being fully engrossed in the present, which is after all the only place where life is ever genuinely unfolding.

Sentimentality often wins because it is easy, a quick-fix. Things aren’t so great now? Well, why not look back on a time when everything was. Of course there never was such a time, but with hindsight, the mind can perform miracles.

Looking back on one’s past too frequently obviously indicates unhappiness with life today, or else there would be no inclination or desire to reminisce. True miracles can happen if the past is just left to slip away as it should, and eyes are wide open and mind fully present to the here and now.

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Words from the Windard Tree: Fighting troubled thoughts.

(This is a further installment from the correspondence between Jamie and Luke -- Click here for previous installment)

To start from the first installment of the correspondence between Jamie and Luke, click here.

Dear Luke,

I've lost the artifact. I just can't find it anywhere, and I have really looked. All this after I called the Museum curator to tell her that I have an object which might be of interest to her. I'm so glad I didn't say what I thought it might be, I'd look like a complete idiot now.

I don't know where it is. The house doesn't show any sign of a break-in so I've ruled out theft. Besides, why would anyone want to steal it now, I've had it around for years, why suddenly should anyone want it? You're the only person I've mentioned it to.

Anyway, I'm afraid I'm moving into a really dark space lately. My bad thoughts have taken over. I don't know if I'm falling into the shadows again, like last time. I was pretty sure I'd beaten this. I find myself going over the same self-deprecating thoughts for hours.

Everything I consider ugly has been surfacing. I never thought of myself as a jealous person but a few nights ago I proved myself wrong. I was invited to a dinner party, an otherwise lovely evening but I found myself feeling envious of anyone there who was successful at their work, or who had love in their life. I went home feeling terribly self-piteous, and so hateful, so full of venom.

You're the only person I feel I can say this to. I can barely even come to terms with it myself. I don't understand why these feelings are coming up. After all, I am aware that I have a lot going for me. I'd understand if I were less fortunate.

In this heavy time, I feel like there's no way out. I can't even imagine that things will get better, that I'll snap out of this. It's terrible, I don't know what to do.

I'm so confused. I barely manage to do anything creative. Do you think that's why it feels like I'm going crazy? I haven't touched a paintbrush in over a year. Apart from my letters to you and my diary, I haven't written anything of any substance either. I just drift from day to day, from frustration to frustration. And why when I realize that I am feeling sorry for myself, do I not manage to stop?

Losing the artifact hasn't helped either. It has compounded my sense of failure. I'm tired, drained. All that inspiration seems light years away now. How do I find it again? I really don't know.

You know me well enough to remember that this is not who I am. I trust your support and that's why I'm able to tell you what I'm going through without any fear that you might judge me.

I hope you are well. I will come and see you as soon as I am feeling better.

Love,

Jamie

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Love, relationships, and their challenges

When it comes to love and relationships, many of us often find ourselves gravitating towards the same type of person and/or situation, time and time again. I, for one, am often drawn to people who are not emotionally available. They might be just out of a relationship and are not sure if they are ready to get involved again. Or maybe they're going through major changes and are thinking of making a new start elsewhere. It’s easy in those instances to feel as though it’s just hard luck, and suddenly there are thoughts like ‘Oh I just can’t believe this is happening again, why doesn’t it ever work out for me?!!’. Why, indeed.

The answer is very simple. The people to whom you are attracted are a mirror for you and your emotions. As far as always meeting people who are not entirely emotionally available, the answer for me is clear: neither am I.

So, how do I become more emotionally available? I’ve been to counseling, I’ve read books, I’ve done workshops, spent weekends chanting around a fire with a group of strangers and letting go of the anger, I’ve invoked every angel I’ve ever heard of, after all that, and after all these years, here I am, still emotionally unavailable. At least that’s what everyone else keeps telling me. Do I need to start praying for a miracle?

I’m learning that accepting myself as I am now is the key. I might change in time. I might become more emotionally available, but the truth of the matter is, if I don’t adopt self-acceptance now when I need it most, then when? And that seems the biggest challenge of all.

How can I love myself as I am, with all my faults and shortcomings? It is emerging for me, having tried everything else that I can think of, that the only way I can ever achieve this self-acceptance is to seek a greater power, one of a spiritual nature. Which power you choose is down to you. Just trust and have faith. Trust that everything is working out for the best, even if right now it seems otherwise. Have faith that you are doing the best you can, now and always.

Relationships also teach you a lot about yourself by pointing straight to your insecurities and self-imposed limitations. Everytime your buttons are pushed, it's for good reasons. For example, if a situation with a lover is bringing up feelings of jealousy, you will know it's about your ego. If you feel good enough about yourself, why would you ever feel jealous? You would feel confident and secure and that would be enough. And true security comes from within. If you can find your own way of gaining that perspective on your situation, you can learn a lot, and hopefully this can also be a way for you to grow and move on.

It's when you are feeling the most insecure and jealous that you need to be the most self-accepting. In 12 steps, they tell you to ask for the willingness to change; it seems like a good place to start. So today, I ask for the willingness to accept myself just as I am, warts ‘n all. Maybe that will be the miracle I’m praying for. And once that happens, I have no doubt I will be the change I seek.

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